Isn’t it funny how we as people like to portray a perfect life? You’ve heard the expression of a ‘highlight reel.’
When Jason and I decided to close on our home in South Dakota and live in a camper until our new house in Alaska was done, I wanted what appeared to be perfect family Instagram reel of our PCS experience. In my opinion I have failed at that, but sometimes I find that I need a little reality check. Life isn’t always perfect the way we plan it to be.
I’m one who loves being in the comfort of her own home. Don’t get me wrong though, as much as I love to be in my own comfort, I do feel the need to venture out from time to time. What happens when your home is a 30ft travel trailer and you get cabin fever but your anxiety from being in a new place keeps you trapped? Confined to a camper with three crazy kids and two stinky dogs. Me, the past three days was not particularly the best me. Every thought and emotion about our living situation now was not positive. I wanted my old life back so bad, all I wanted to do about it was lay in bed and cry. My ‘comfort zone’ was caving in on me.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life right now?
Why did I agree to living in this camper?
I don’t want to live in this camper anymore.
I haven’t ordered anything online in about 4 months. I really wish I could just order things online.
Why didn’t we just buy a house that was move in ready?
I really just wish our house was done already.
I miss my household goods. I need my sewing machines.
I miss having a comfy bed.
I hate not knowing the area, but I’m scared to drive the area to try learn.
Why do I have to let the dogs out in my morning? Why do I have to get them breakfast?
I hate how much Ullr whines and barks.
Why are my kids so whiny and why do they argue so much?
Why do my kids all talk to me at the same time?
I wish they would stop asking me something every three seconds.
Why do they constantly want snacks?
This fridge is too dang small.
I just want these kids to nap or just let me nap.
I haven’t been able to watch my shows in months. I want actual internet again.
I’m so bored, but I can’t do anything.
Everything about this is annoying.
And then my husband sends me a text stating that I need to do something for myself. Well fuck him… okay maybe he’s right. I can’t go anywhere now though, I was sweating in my sleep last night, I probably stink. Okay, I guess I’ll take a shower. After a shower I feel a little better, I guess I’ll take my afternoon coffee, I guess I’ll get out to treat myself instead of making my own. I bought myself my coffee and a candy bar and the kids a bag of candy. A trip to the shoppette was a baby step in this situation. We get back to our camper and I tell the kids to make some popcorn and watch a movie. While they watch a movie, I lay in bed alone with my thoughts again. And wonder why the heck I do this to myself, why do I have such a hard time adjusting to change, why am I this way and what can I do the next time I feel crappy about life.
My point is, we all go through some stuff that isn’t perfect, some people hide it better than others, but this I’ve chosen to share my emotions instead of hide them.